I haven't blogged for a while. Partly from having a shit load of stuff going on. And partly from laziness.
I have missed it. Immensely. Its almost like I don't know what I think about things until I have read what I have written regarding them.
So here goes. Filling you in whilst working out exactly what I'm thinking and feeling at the same time.
I saw a new doctor yesterday.
She said what everyone has been trying not to say.
"Right now you are staring down the barrel at Ovarian Cancer"
Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, playing Russian roulette.
Am I going to get the blank? Or the bullet?
To say I'm not scared shitless would be a lie. A big fat lie. A lie of astronomical proportions.
And yet I choose to lie. I lie to my friends and family and pretend I'm not absolutely freaking out. I lie and tell them the pain isn't too bad, that I'm sleeping just fine, that I'm not tired, that I'm not scared of having surgery soon.
I don't tell them about all the late nights I spent knowing something wasn't right, and knowing my original doctor missed something. I don't tell them about the silent tears I shed when I tuck my three kids into bed each night after they have fallen asleep.
I don't tell them SO much.
Because the truth is, saying it all out loud, telling them, would make it real. It would make them worry as much as I do. It would make them all treat me as if the gun had fired.
Most of them already do anyway.
The less I tell people, the longer I can pretend it's not happening.
So here I am. Staring down the barrel of a loaded gun, praying it doesn't go off. Praying it's shooting blanks.
I won't know until surgery which is scheduled soon.
In the meantime, I'm praying to a god that I don't even know I believe in.