Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Just trying to work it out

Do you ever have those days?

You know the one's, where you try like mad to figure out your existance?

I am in groundhog day with one of those days.

Schnorby arrived in my world when I just 19. A precious little bundle she was, and still is. I was thrust into motherhood when I was still needing my mum myself.
Not that I didn't handle it. I must admit I have done a mighty fine job of raising that little girl, 3 years of it alone.

Then I met my husband. And was thrust into the world rapidly of being someone's wife. Which, I must admit, I don't do the greatest job at times. There are only so many days that I can clean the same area's of the same house for wihtout either a) needing a break or  b) going insane! Not to mention how unglamourous you feel after spending the day (and what I'm sure is sometimes weeks) in 'house' clothes.
You kind  please tell me you know the kind those clothes that you wear because you know your day, (or week)
is going to be spent with a bottle of bleach in one hand, and a cloth/scrubbing brush/mop in the other. The kind of clothes, that if you didn't live 35km's out of town, you wouldn't wear in fear of someone deciding to be social and pop in for coffee! 
Yes, those ones. When you have slumming around in THAT all day, you hardly feel good when you get into bed. Your house feels good, but your nostrils are still burning from the fumes! Hence, there is minimal chance of 'action'. I know, I am a bad wife.

Wommy arrived and all was sweet. My little pigeon pair. At the time the farmer was super busy farming, so we didnt see all that much of each other, so we cherished every moment.

Then we moved. To the house that I now despise. It is gorgeous, I will admit. An over 100 year old homestead. High ceilings. Huge yard for the kids. Big rooms. But not enough rooms for us all. And really old, stained terrible carpet. And you can't keep the mice/frogs/meat ants/hairy grubs and mosquitoes out of when they decide they want to come in. It also has put a hinderance on our my  our social life. With kids, everything is so much harder when you have to travel!

After arriving at this house, mousie then arrived. Such a precious little soul, yet nothing like the other 2! Mousie didn't like to sleep. They say she was 'ghosting' from being the surviving twin of an originally multiple birth. She didnt sleep for more than 40 minutes at a time for a year. The first year I was without my family. The first year that I was in a place that wasnt my home town.

Sleep deprivation really is a form of torture.

And, now that she is sleeping, and my day's don't consist of trying to get her to sleep, or getting myself some sleep, and I dont want to clean all day, I am wondering.....

Where am I? Obviously I know where I am, but really where am I? Who am I now?
I became a mum so early in my young life, that I don't know if I ever actually found that out to begin with!

So now here I am... trying my hardest to work it out now?

So, how do you actually work out who you are? How do I work out who I am? Aside from wifey, mummy, and business owner.

Am I funny? I don't know!
Am I adventurous? No idea!
Am I a good friend? Surely so!

Hell, I don't even know what my natural hair colour is these days!!! At the moment is a really nice shade of blonde... under that, no idea! Hope I'm not grey!!!!!

Well... to hell with it. Someone out there must know who I am. I have friends. They must know who I am.
Think I might give them a call....

4 comments:

  1. Babe i'm nearly 31 and still trying to figure out who I am. You are an amazing Mum, Young Lady, Wife and Friend. Dont be content with labeling yourself. Just be U.

    I've now got a gratitude journal that everyday i write in it 5 things that i'm greatful for, big or small it doesnt matter.

    I hope you can wake up from your Groundhog Day
    ( and dont worry i cant remember what my natural hair colour is either, and i think i'm more likely to be grey then u)

    Remember to Smile and know that you're not alone.

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  2. Babe, YOU are amazing! It is the journey of life that we are on, gosh I have days/weeks where I think... gosh is this it.. groundhog day can be sooo mundane.
    I agree with Shell, deep breathes, smile and know that you are not alone, you have us. xx

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  3. You gave me a good giggle.
    I used to live out in the bush - in summer would get around in a T-shirt and knickers it was so damn hot you could literally watch the candles wilting :)
    SO glad I never got caught out.

    Skyping on a video conference is brilliant and you can have a crowd - my friends and I are now spread out around the country - we are the only ones we get to put makeup on for, dress up in the things that never get worn out and most of them crack the champers, scotch - for me it's a killer punch!
    Not the same as face to face - but it's loads of fun and my kids can't understand why mum is laughing so much!

    You are who you want to be. You are blonde because you choose to be (lucky you can wear it you gorgeous thing).

    Ditch the bleach for Envirocare products and microfibre cloths, then the kids can join in too :)

    If you can, take a moment and watch the sun go down - about 10 - 15 minutes. It will all come to you. Twighlight is magic (might need the aeroguard though - nicer alternative - baby oil, eucalyptus and lavender oil, the boys slather it on as it keeps the midgies off when they go fishing and it's waterproof!)

    I really enjoyed the read, lovely break thankyou :)

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  4. Oh lovely, I think giving a friend a call is a great idea.

    I think regardless of age, motherhood redefines you so much as a person, and then you get to a point where you are left wondering what happened to the "real" you - and who you even are anymore.

    I've been doing a similar kind of soul searching over on my blog recently - you might like to have a read to help you to realise you're definitely not alone.

    Hugs to you. I certainly don't have the answers, but I can reassure you you're not alone x

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